Getting My Life and My Body In Balance
(And Staying There. Starting Now.)

It is the middle of the 10th week of being a “Best Lifer”.  It’s a good time to look back, compare my progress with my expectations and determine where I want to go. 

January 1, New Year’s 2007, I had one foot in my previous life–certified couch potato. TV hound. A burger and fries per week and the occassional dog walk. Sometimes I’d walk fast, but not often. I wanted to change my eating habits, start exercising regularly again, but couldn’t seem to make it happen.

January 2, 2007–enter Yoplait, Bob Greene’s Best Life Diet, Mary Ellen, Cecilia, Anna, Lakita, Veronica and a support group of advisors and sponsors. Looking back, maybe I could have done it by myself. But I didn’t. Everyone I just mentioned gave me everything I needed, to be where I am today. 10 pounds lighter, much stronger, much more energetic, much happier. I was 55 then, I’m almost 56 (in May) now, and I do look and feel so much better. It wasn’t about a weight number then, it still isn’t now. Whether it’s losing 2 lbs. a week or not, I’m ecstatic about my progress, my results and the sense that I’ll keep on track with this healthier lifestyle in the future. I definitely feel that I’m living more in harmony with my body, my appetite, everything!

I’m glad I’m so relaxed about weight as a number. So many women seem obsessed with not being thin enough or having to lose another 5, 10 or 20 pounds. ls it ever possible to be completely satisfied with our bodies and not want to change something about ourselves?

I admit, although a certain weight or weight loss doesn’t concern me, I do feel self conscious about my stomach. It’s never been flat and that’s ok. But I never was one to tuck my shirts in, emphasize my waist. It’s much better than it was before this program, however. Can any of you relate? How do you overcome self-consciousness with a certain part (or parts) of your body?

It’s now weeks 8-9 of our Best Life Diet and in some ways I feel like I’m being set adrift. Will I sink or swim?

I’ve lost a total of 9 1/2 pounds. Changed habits that were set in stone for a long time (eating at night–all night; eating regularly; eating when hungry–not just bored, etc.). What concerns me most? Exercising as consistently and vigorously as I have for the past 9 weeks.

Why am I concerned?  We are now in a stage called maintenance. Until last Sunday we worked out with a trainer and the hardest part for me was just showing up. Yes, the workouts were tough, but once I was dressed, in my car, at the gym, on the treadmill, I knew I would be there for 1 whole hour. I would get through it and feel great afterwards. No turning back. There was an expert, our trainer Greg, or one of his associates, making sure that our workout was complete. They would push me past my discomfort and I’d do it! Ever single time. For 9 whole weeks.

Today was the first day I had to push myself. No one was counting on me to be there. No one planned out my workout. I’m not a member of a gym but do have a workout room in my building. Small but efficient. So I went downstairs and got on the treadmill. I decided to do cardio first. One minute of running at 5.5 mph followed by 30 seconds of rest. I repeated this for 20 minutes. The only companion I had with me was Justin Timberlake. Thanks, Justin. I couldn’t have done it without you.

Next, I knew I had to do some weight resistance. There’s a small weight machine with various stations and weight plates. I set the weights at a level that would be difficult but do-able and pushed myself past the comfort zone. Was I as tough on myself as Greg? No, not quite–but I did push myself.

But I’m still nervous. I have to keep up what I started nine weeks ago or I’ll be back where I was before I started. That’s reality. And there’s only one person that can make that happen now. Guess who?

Mary Ellen’s journal entry really resonated with me. Keeping motivated now is necessary but not as easy because we’re close to graduation. We’ve all been working towards this and now we have to take what we’ve learned and do it forever. I’m being pushed out of the nest so I can fly. I know I can but I do feel some resistance. Any suggestions? 

I’ve often thought that rules were made to be broken. Right? Sometimes. But one rule in the Best Life Diet that is better not to break is weighing yourself no more than once per week. Believe me, I know. I know because I keep breaking this rule and it bites me in my own (slowly shrinking) behind more often than not. Because if that number doesn’t go down, or at least stay the same, I feel like crap!

Yes, I’ve often voiced the righteous reality that the scale only reflects a number. Weight IS only a number. It’s a relative measurement. It can’t separate the fat you’ve lost from the muscle you’ve gained. It’s JUST A NUMBER!!! Yet I’ve fallen victim to checking out that number more than 4 times this past week. Geez–I really can’t stand hypocrites!!!

If there is a thing called “scale karma” I’ve definitely gotten my payback. That blissful 9 pounds I saw just the other day bounced up to what looked like a 2 pound gain. In just 1 day!!! How is that possible??? Now I know the true meaning of “ignorance is bliss”.

How many of us are falling victim to the tyranny of the scale? To a number? We’re women—flesh, blood and heart. Brilliance, wit and wondrously complex beings. And so many of us let a NUMBER on a simple piece of equipment, and not a very interesting one at that, determine how we feel that day. How we feel about ourselves, our bodies, our spirits.

I’d like to think that I’m not going to allow this flat metal machine with a number fetish make or break my day anymore. But I’m a realist. Living nearly a half- century under a scale dictatorship is not going to change overnight. So I’ll do what I can…Weighing myself once a week is more than enough!

Thinking about whether or not I’m really hungry and how hungry (on a scale of 1 to 10), is kind of a new thing for me. Although eating has often been a means to enjoyment, avoiding an activity or project I wanted not to deal with, or a distraction against boredom, eating just because I’m hungry enough to warrant nourishment has not been my main goal. Not until now.

These days when I get to that hunger level of 2 or 3, a red danger sign flashes. Eat!!! Eat something soon and something wise or fall prey to the evil Cravings Monster!!! Yes it’s true, my life used to be ruled by one craving after another. Much like the local pusher beckons the addict, I was enticed to spend my good money and probably my good health on fast, fried and fabricated food. Food, if you can call it such, that I barely tasted. Because I was rarely really hungry, I was rarely ever full. So I ate too much and either too often or not often enough until I was so far beyond full that I swore I’d never eat again. Until the next time…

Isn’t it ironic? Now, I eat only when I’m hungry, which seems to happen naturally every 3 or so hours. I usually eat a reasonable portion of protein with a complex carb (whole grain), fruit or/and vegetable. And I try to wait at least 20 minutes before stuffing myself with more, because it takes a while for the “not hungry anymore” ques to catch up with the stomach. The cravings are smaller, more easily satisfied and less frequent. Much less “scary”. Yes, sometimes I do indulge in a really indulgent treat. But I’m finding if I’m eating for my health, energy and to satisfy my hunger, I often don’t really want or choose not to eat something just because it’s there or everyone else is eating it. Imagine that!!!

Oh, there’s one other thing…there is a time when it’s “Best” NOT to feed your hunger–2 hours before bedtime. This is one of the most significant changes I’ve made in my eating habits. Because I used to stay up ’til all hours much of the time, of course I’d get hungry and start to eat. Since I’ve been following the ”no eating at least 2 hours before bedtime” rule, I tend to go to bed at a more reasonable time (if nothing else to avoid eating). And I’ve lost weight. Nine pounds as of yesterday. Imagine that…  

Writing this journal twice a week is the first time I’ve really reflected on ONE subject for such a long time. Really reflected on it. It’s been 7 weeks since we started the Best Life Program. As of last Friday, I’d lost a total of 4 pounds. Down 6. Up 2. Four weeks of Phase I. Three weeks (already?!) of Phase II.

Phase I was really significant for me. I started eating on schedule–3 times a day, 2 snacks. Working out consistently and hard 3 times a week. Stopped eating at least 2 hours before bedtime. Am conscious about getting lean protein, whole grains and complex carbs. More conscious about eating enough, not too many, calories–per meal, per day. About carrying good snacks and water so I don’t spend money on eating out or eating junk (and paying for it in more ways than one). I’ve become more aware of how when I eat and what I eat affects how hungry I get and what I crave later in the day, or night. I’ve really noticed how much sleep or the lack of it affects how hungry I am and what types of food I reach for.  I’ve experienced anew how my fatiqued, undisciplined body responds within just a few weeks, to being pushed way beyond what I thought it could do exercise-wise. Muscles that cramped up after just a few squats now carry me across a very large room and back 2, sometimes 3 times. After a whole hour of “boot camp” I used to leave the gym quivering and exhausted. Now, I feel energized and strong. And I’ve learned to say the word “NO” (thank you) when offered food or drink that I don’t REALLY want, or if I’m not really hungry.

Have I followed the “Best” behaviors listed above for all 7 weeks? Do pigs fly? Do cows yodel? No way. But taking stock of where I am now and where I was 7 weeks ago, I’ve come a long, long way. This does seem to be a really slow boat to a really far away land, however. And it seems I’m kind of wandering around Phase I, still.

In Phase II, we’re supposed to up the ante exercise-wise. Increase our workouts to 5 cardio on top of the 3 weight training circuits. I can’t say that I’ve done that more than one week’s worth. But I’m still going 3 times a week to one of the toughest workouts I’ve ever done. And missed only 2 days due to a bad cold. Not bad.

And considering my hunger level before and after I eat is a real eye opener.  I’m even going to bed hungry most nights, knowing that it’s good to be hungry when I wake up the next morning.

Then there were the graham crackers. I never thought I’d lose control over a package of graham crackers. I’m ashamed to admit it but it’s true. But I used to eat several bowlfuls of real ice cream. The super-high butterfat kind. The kind that leaves an oil slick in your mouth your next meal slips off of. And hot fudge sundaes, french fries (my personal choice for “last meal on earth”) and portions fit for a 6′ 5″ pro wrestler. By eating more often, more wisely MUCH of the time, these slip ups are much less frequent and MUCH less over-the-top. MUCH LESS! But I do slip up. Those 2 returning pounds don’t lie. Do I feel guilty. Nah! I’m not really the “feeling guilty” type.

When does eating auto-pilot happen? As my past journal entries remind me, when I’m bored, sitting in front of the tv, bored, waiting too long between meals, bored, tired and sleep deprived, bored…Oh, yeah, and when I’m bored. I’m sure that I’ll come up with other challenging situations in the days, weeks, months ahead.

But so far, no matter how often I’ve fallen off this very slow moving wagon, I’ve seemed to climb back on. Maybe I’ve been able to do that because it IS going so slowly… 

Here I am at home for the third day in a row, nursing a cold and feeling out of the loop. I missed my Wednesday night workout, and opportunity to touch base with the rest of the girls, my Best Life teammates, and tonight I’m bowing out again. I plan on being back (”I’LL BE BACK!”) for the usual killer workout on Sunday morning. I really miss just seeing the other gals. This whole time-out is giving me pause to reflect on what works for me, what I need to work on and how individual each of our experiences is regarding losing weight, getting in shape and just plain progressing with our (my) goals.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that right now at this moment in my life, I thrive in a group environment that includes accountability and sharing. Not to the extent of constant checking in, just periodically “being there”.  I suspected I needed this before, but now, being isolated temporarily at home, I’m very clear how important it is to me. It’s kind of a reality check with a bit of social interaction. Sometimes it’s more than that. Last Sunday, Anna brought me a gift: a colossal jar of hot giardinera, because she knew I loved it. How sweet (& HOTTTT!!!!!) is that!?! Another week Lakita gave me a whole pack of vanilla yogurt. Again, she knew I liked it. The thought really did count. Thank you again, girls…

In reading the other girls’ journals I’m reminded that what may resonate with me is not the case with others. For example, Lakita mentioned that she finds working out alone to be more effective for her. Looking at how different each of our lives is may be a key. I am often alone. I never had children and my husband and I worked different schedules on and off for many, many years. Since November I’ve worked in a small design studio with only one or two other people. A far cry from a buzzing office or retail environment. The only time I’m surrounded by lots of people is during a trade show or trunk show where I deal with the public and buyers. This is very sporadic–not a day-to-day occurance. During these heavily-social events I do prefer solitude for my off-hours. Lakita is a new mother with the constant demands of a baby. I’ll bet if I were in her (workout) shoes I’d relish time alone to workout too! I do feel for you L, and know that you feel for me and the rest of us too! I believe that each of us must be true to what works for us. And surround ourselves with people that support us in achieving it.

In Phase II of the Best Life program, Bob Greene talks about ”Eliminating Emotional Eating Step By Step”. This week, we are supposed to be tuning in to our hunger levels, from 1-starving to 10-nauseatingly full, both before and after we eat. Mary Ellen explained this very eloquently in her last journal entry. Well, feeling the feeling in my stomach/physical being is one thing. Separating my true hunger ques from my emotional feelings is another! Being home with little else to do should make it easier, right? Wrong!!! All the tasks I often wish I had the time to do are staring me in the face. Now I have the time to do them and all I want to do is sleep or eat. Is it possible to always be at a “3″ (uncomfortable-your stomach is rumbling)? Or is that just my subconscious telling me to be productive? I won’t know until I actually am productive, will I? Bob also mentions that it may take time before we feel that engaging in other things is as pleasurable as eating…

Well, as soon as I get up from the computer I’m going to start one of my aforementioned dreaded projects: decluttering. I think I’ll start with 15 minutes of it. Then I’ll check my emotional and physical hunger scale. I hope I’m at a “6″ –perfectly satisfied.

Two weeks ago I lost 6 pounds. Last Friday I was up 1/2 pound. Now my Valentine’s gift to myself is a nice runny nose, sore throat and hacking cough! I basically feel like crap and even though I told myself I wouldn’t get sick I did. Greg, our trainer said that I shouldn’t work out today because my body needs to heal itself–keep warm, stay inside, lots of liquids…So now it’s getting tricky, better known as a setback. It’s really hard to avoid overeating, and not eating out of boredom when I’m home feeling rotten. Those graham crackers are calling me from the cupboard and what to eat is more of a choice challenge than normal. Not having anyone around to lend support or encouragement probably doesn’t help and I don’t want to spread my germs or my delightful attitude anyway.

So the question is “what is the best thing to do when we have a setback”? I know the importance of getting right back on the program when we “fall off”.  When we travel, or when something unexpected comes up the need to make the time to exercise and choose food wisely. But when we’re sick, how do we handle the physical and mental malaise of feeling plain lousy? Of not being able to get quality rest because of disruptive coughing or restlessness. Of being ”stuck” without a sense of moving forward. Any suggestions?

When my general health is good I have noticed some changes in how I handle my family and friends when it comes to what or where we eat and exercise. Although I’ve always stated my opinion if I had a taste for a certain type of food when we were planning on a restaurant or meal, I’m more assertive now to guarantee meal choices that fit into my new lifestyle. Most of my friends live pretty healthy lives and like good, fresh, delicious and nutritious food. My husband has always been a more consistently healthy eater than I. On the occassion where others have indulged in less desireable choices, desserts or rich entrees, I’ve been fairly successful at finding a better substitute, like asking for an apple and a bit of peanut butter (2 tsp) with herbal tea rather than cookies, etc. Thankfully, I don’t have trouble asking for, insisting on if necessary, what I want. If I dealt with someone who was very uncooperative I don’t think I’d have a problem walking away. It’s my responsibility to take care of myself. I’m probably my own biggest challenge in going astray.

I have noticed that my ability to exert self control and keep my portions and food choices in line is very dependent on eating 3 regular meals and 2 snacks a day–ON TIME.  If I go without eating or don’t eat a balanced meal  (protein, complex carb, a little fat, vegetables and/or fruit) I’m very likely to lose control in the evening. The plan listed in the book The Best Life Diet really works for me, if I follow it.

One thing I really have to look more closely at is how my reaction to certain situations affects my eating habits. I know boredom and avoidance are eating triggers. Big ones. When I’m “in the flow”–fully engaged in whatever I’m doing, not conscious of time–I forget about eating or anything else but what I’m doing. I’ve read that the happiest people are those that are in this flow state on a daily or very regular basis. HMMMM!!!

Friday is weighday. First thing this morning weighed myself. The news is neither good nor bad in the grand scheme of things. I gained 1/2 pound since last Friday which puts me at 5 1/2 down since the first week in January. I am not surprised, since last weekend was pretty loosey goosey and so far tonight will be my third workout–no added cardio on off days. Plus, I have been short on sleep and I really think it makes a difference in my day to day clarity, performance, hunger ques and motivation. How could I have done better? Planning. Making sure that my daily priorites always included enough sleep, exercise, planned meals and snacks. Also eating on schedule. Long gaps of not eating definitely affect my ability to control my food portions as well as what I choose to eat. Getting too hungry is dangerous ground for me. It’s easy to carry snacks: sliced apple and peanut or almond butter, clementines, nuts, string cheese. A nice crisp granny smith apple with nut butter or a little cheese will keep my hunger at bay for at least 2 hours. One of the girls suggested Fiber One bars which provide 9 grams of fiber. Good recommendation.  And I always try to remember to have one or two bottles of water on hand.

Noticing and being consistently aware of how different foods, habits and schedules affect my wellbeing is very different than living the random, less than conscious lifestyle I used to. I still have some tweaking to do but my deliberate choosing of what, when and how much to eat is a conscious decision most of the time. No, not all the time. But knowing where I need to improve and relating it to my whole lifestyle (i.e. realizing that lack of sleep makes me hungrier) allows me to tackle the problem, not just the symptom. Reducing my portions and making healthy choices is much more difficult, almost impossible, if my body is trying to overcome an energy deficit because I’m just plain tired.

This newly developed awareness is empowering. Just 2 months ago, I was unmotivated, unfocused and confused. And overwhelmed. We’re constantly bombarded by conflicting images and messages. On tv, in movies, advertising, print and fashion. We admire the thin, at the same time being told to eat this, beauty only looks like that…Don’t be too fat, don’t be too thin. Clothing manufacturers make sample sizes for runway models that often look like 12 year old boys, not women. Current beauty trends tell us that we should look like Barbie dolls, bodies with proportions that are so out of touch with nature that we’re set up to never feel good about ourselves. No wonder I was confused, as I imagine a lot of you are.

I have gained a lot from the Best Life program in just 5 weeks. I move better, eat better, feel better, look better. I’ve lost weight. And I will continue to do so because by living this way–no gimmicks, no procrastination, no confusion–I know that I’m achieving balance and wellbeing that lasts. Reaching my goal, is much less of a focus than enjoying the process of getting there day by day. This is a real powerful realization, because the reason I gained back the weight so many times before is because I stopped enjoying that process. Sure, there are times (plenty) I don’t want to exercise; I want to eat every french fry on earth…

But I’m learning the tools to counteract that destructive behavior. Or at least to limit it. I’m living this new lifestyle every day, slipping up less and less. That means I’m already successful.  And so are all of you who are in the process of improving your lifestyle, your health, your self image.  

It’s week 5. Phase I is done. I was just starting to feel comfortable with 3 meals plus 2 snacks a day of real food. Exercising 3 times a week at “The House of Pain” and not eating 2 hours before bedtime. How do I feel now compared to how I felt just 5 weeks ago? What a difference!!!

Let’s start with working out. Just 5 weeks ago walking up 3 flights of stairs left me winded and fatiqued. My legs ached with the effort. Now I’m actually running on the treadmill–30 seconds in a run, 30 seconds resting–several times in a row. This is amazing considering I was never a runner. Doing squats across the room and back (a room as long as a city block) felt like a death sentence. My thighs burned and I thought I’d fall over. Now, I can make it back and forth faster and much more easily. The entire weight resistance/cardio circuit (1 full hour of it) leaves me feeling energized but relaxed and strong. Not crampy and exhausted. I can honestly say that this amazing feeling is worth more than all the turtle sundaes in the world. I never want to feel the 24/7 couch potato blues again.

I don’t think I would have the energy and drive to work out this way if I was eating the way I used to. I remember always feeling too full. Not really being hungry or even considering whether or not I was hungry–I was too busy eating. Now I think about what would be not only satisfying but what food groups would balance out my day. Have I had my veggies, fruit, whole grains. And my tastes have changed enough to actually want these foods, rather than french fries, hamburgers, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I plan on having these things some time, but it’s just not a constant craving and choice.

What is my biggest challenge? Number one is portion size. I do get really hungry, but I try to be reasonable with my servings. Not always successfully but I’m certainly conscious of it which is a big improvement. Eating enough of the right foods, at the right time provides the energy to work out hard.

The second biggest challenge is still the weekend or downtime when I’m at home alone. There is always plenty to do and I suspect I want to eat to avoid doing things I prefer not to do. I never seem to have this problem when I’m out and about. I’m trying the technique of just promising myself to spend only 5 minutes doing these tasks (I can spend longer if I choose). Hopefully I’ll get more done and think about eating less.

I also find that not being able to eat until I’m way too hungry (too high on the hunger scale) is asking for trouble. Overeating is almost inevitable. Regular meals and snacks every 3 hours or so seems to prevent this from happening. So, carrying a Fiber One bar, apple or other suggested snack is a real preventative measure. And I almost always have a bottle or two of water on hand.

Oh, I almost forgot…A really big hurdle in my life is getting enough sleep. I still have to work on this one. When I get enough rest I feel like a different person, and working out demands that I get more. Not that I always do. I understand that not sleeping enough can increase the appetite as well. This is definitely a work in progress. Falling asleep early is something I’ve rarely known. I’m kind of envious of people that do this naturally.

Finally, I have to achnowledge how key my teammates are in my successfully starting and sticking with this program. Could I have done it on my own? Probably, but with great difficulty. The proof is in how long I “sat on the couch” before actually doing something about my eating and fitness habits. Living the struggles and successes of the Best Life Diet along with Veronica, Anna, Mary Ellen, Lakita and Cecilia amplifies the experience. It’s pretty weird that most of us lost the same amount of weight (exactly?!?) at the 30 day mark. And whenever I doubt the progress I’m making, I’ll see the other gals at the gym and can see the very visible results on them. I must be succeeding too. How exciting to share such positive, health-affirming lifestyle changes with this group of women.

All in all, I recommend every last bit of this program. From soup to nuts. Eating to working out. Pain to pleasure. From trying to solve my neverending battle of body and mind alone to having a group and team of supporters to share it with.

Go Team!!!

This morning I woke up and got on the scale. I was excited. Even though we weren’t supposed to weigh ourselves for 30 days, since January 2, I cheated once. No weight loss according to the scale on that cheat. That probably served me right! Was I surprised that this morning showed a 6 lb. loss. I never expected it and promised myself I wouldn’t be disappointed if my weight stayed the same. The truth is, I felt much happier seeing the loss! I feel secure in knowing that the 6 lbs. was lost 1 day, 1 workout, 1 wise meal choice at a time. Over time. It only makes sense that the 6 lbs. won’t be gained back by eating 1 fattening meal or missing 1 workout either. Being consistent in my improved lifestyle and habits is what got me here. And if I want to stay on this same weight loss trend, I’ve got to keep being consistent about wise food intake and exercise.

My clothes are fitting better, if not looser. But most powerful of all is how much stronger, more energetic I felt during tonight’s workout. In past sessions I thought I would keel over with fatigue. Tonight was MUCH easier, though still challenging. No comparison. So this is what the process of succeeding feels like.

I also know that I’ll get wherever I want to go. I’m learning and living the habits that work toward getting and keeping a slimmer, healthier body. Feeling good is a real motivator. Living like a couch potato feels like a past life. I’m going to keep all of these signs of success in mind. The number on the scale is just one measurement of success in this program. My increased sense of well-being and stamina are less tangible but very real signs of success too.

How are you fellow bloggers doing?     

Here I am after 4 weeks of breaking through the pain threshold at the gym, being conscious of what I’m eating, when I’m eating and what will make me feel the best after I eat it. This is the furthest I’ve gotten in a long time to taking care of my nutrition and fitness needs. Is it easy now? Sometimes. When I’m really involved in something else. Sometimes it’s a real challenge not acting on a whim and eating nonstop like I did for so long. And exercise is part of my routine now. I don’t want to start over and go through the initial discomfort of being so sedentary ever again. I’m going to remind myself of that discomfort every time I try to put off exercising. It really is much easier to just go and get through it, then get on with my day or relax for the  evening. Giving in to not doing it because I just don’t feel like it (or letting other arbitrary plans get in the way of doing it) is a slippery slope for me. It gets easier and easier to not go. Everyone, please remind me of these words!!!

How do I feel? Pretty doggone good. I have more stamina. I feel more confident because I’m keeping promises to myself (even though it takes the accountability of my group buddies and all of you to keep me honest). And I’ll be darned, I didn’t think my body had changed sizewise but I swear my clothes look and feel a little better this week! My middle is not so Pillsbury doughboyish. I don’t know what the scale says and though I would be a bit disappointed if I didn’t show any decrease in the numbers, I have to achnowledge that I do feel more contented in general. Could it be…?

How are the rest of you doing?

I grew up in California. Southern California. Huntington Beach to be exact. Land of sun, surf, surfers and beautiful people. Beautiful bodies. Or what my subconscious and the world around me considered beautiful. How unfortunate that our culture then, as now, has such a narrow image of what beauty should look like.

Let’s just say that I did not fit that image. Not as a child, subteen, teenager, early twenty-something. I remember the tender years when boys, no zits, having a “perfect” body and being popular was the most important thing in the world. I used to wish that I would turn 18 and suddenly, I would be pretty and thin. I would fit in. Belong in that sunny, beachy, bikini-ready postcard of a life. I began planning for that event by going on my first “diet” somewhere between the ages of nine and twelve. Sure, I was successful. Many, many times. Those were the days long before real fitness or being in shape was more than just being thin. Before anyone ever heard of an aerobics shoe. You did a few calisthenics, situps, and ate very few calories and, voila, you were thin. For about a day and a half.

Around the age of 20, I went on my most “successful” diet–one meal a day. After a month or so I was much smaller. My shape was no different–just smaller. But suddenly, I was getting much more attention. Not really the kind of attention I would welcome now. Heck, my boyfriend of the time said I looked like a Playboy bunny. What a loser!!! And I bought into it. I kept buying into it until my husband and I became a couple at the ripe old age of 22. From then on, impressing boys was a thing of the past. What took it’s place? Well, for one I remember a comment from a co-worker, “When are you due?”  She thought I was pregnant!!! I never enjoyed sniping back at someone as much as I did then–”I’m not expecting–I’m just fat!!!” She was embarrassed and I went on another “diet”. Another successful diet. Followed by more successful weight gain.

The only time I ever lost weight healthfully was around seven years ago. The weight loss was accompanied by a lot of muscle gain. I worked out regularly, doing cardio, weights and various flexibility training. I ate reasonably and nutritiously with plenty of fiber, water, fruits and vegetables and lean protein. You know the routine. I looked great and felt great. My fitness routine was a priority, as much as bathing and brushing my teeth. The difference is I kept bathing and brushing my teeth. Somewhere along the way eating reasonably and working out stopped being a necessity. I could say it was a change of jobs or change of life, but underneath it all it was really a change of heart. My heart just wasn’t in it anymore. Because the reason I was doing it was to look good on the outside. I really hadn’t internalized that looking good on the outside has much more to do with feeling good on the inside. And I just didn’t care enough about myself underneath the surface to keep my priorities straight.

 I’ve considered all the possible reasons I “fell off the fitness wagon” throughout my life: a bigger body kept me safe from too much male attention, my innate laziness got the best of me, fast food and TV are a lot more fun than slow food and fast exercise. I do remember sneaking BBQ potato chips under my bedcovers and reading by flashlight and not wanting to be discovered. I just don’t remember why.

Well, here goes. Why I didn’t keep the weight off doesn’t really matter. Not now. What does matter is that now this is it…Being at my best weight just feels good. If I feel good I look better. And isn’t feeling good and looking better something I should give myself, no one else. So I can in turn give my best to everyone else. ‘Nuff said! 

Well, it finally happened–the excitement of being on a new program, new routine, going after positive goals, is 2 weeks behind me and I “fell off the wagon”.

Sunday started with a great workout. Hard enough to be really fatiqued, but not so hard it was totally over my head. There are certain behaviors we’re supposed to be practicing this first month: eating a good, well-balanced breakfast, lunch and dinner along with 2 snacks. Not eating at least 2 hours before bedtime. Drinking plenty of water. Ok. No problem. But gosh, I’m really hungry all the time. I know that portions are an issue for me. I’d gotten used to eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it–including all evening long. That won’t work if I want to see results from my hard workouts and move forward towards my “Best Life”. 

I’ve been reasonable without being deprived foodwise for the past couple of weeks. Then came Sunday (yesterday). I was really looking forward to having a day to myself after my workout. No plans, just relaxation, idle bliss. The joyous feeling of having a satisflyingly unplanned Sunday became…a nagging, totally unsatisfying struggle of wanting to eat, and eat and eat. It got to the point of no return.  I lost touch completely with anything else. I ate. Unreasonably. What I ate is less important than the uncontrollable compulsion to eat, shutting everything else out. I don’t think it’s any accident that I was in front of the TV, without being fully engaged in it, most of the day. Even though there were other things I really needed to do since I had the time. Things that would possibly have kept my mind off chronic feeding and left me with a feeling of accomplishment.

I know this scenario will come up again. I want to learn how to manage it so I can move forward. Discussing the experience with a very wise individual may have uncovered some keys to getting through this craziness:

First of all, he asked, what is the real reason I want to get in shape, improve my eating habits, lose weight, attain my “best life”. THE REAL REASON IS BECAUSE I WANT THAT REAL SENSE OF TRUE ALIVENESS, that joy, that simple sense of everything being ok because it comes from inside. We often look for that feeling outside of ourselves–being in love, having more money, a perfect job. And somehow there is a dichotomy of acheiving internal, real satisfaction by working on the body, looking and feeling better through external means.

And yet, from experience I do know that feeling tired, not sleeping well, struggling with what to wear and thinking too much about food is not living life to the fullest. It’s not feeling the kind of aliveness that makes every moment full and complete.

 Fully aware and fully alive. That’s what I want more than anything else. Losing weight just happens to be a vehicle to get there. There’s no question that I feel more confident when my body is in shape. That I’m more alert, more enthusiastic, more positive more playful. More alive. And that has a very profound effect on how well everything else in my life works.

So the question is: how do I keep that sense of aliveness where I can see it, feel it, want it–more than giving in to whatever compulsion comes along at that moment? Feeling guilty doesn’t do it for me. I’m just not the “feeling guilty” type. Can I use visualization-picturing myself feeling great-to stay in touch with my goal. Meditation, or maybe getting in touch with my feelings (what is going on that’s triggering the desire to veer off track?).

I’d like to find out. I’m going to try both of these suggestions. I know that changing my habits and how I look on the outside is going to be an inside job. I just have to remember to practice these technigues at the time of the “attack”.  

Do any of you have any suggestions, experiences, successes or stories to relate to this?

One thing this program has gotten going for me is consistent, whole-body exercise. This has been a real struggle–just getting started–for some time, a couple of years, maybe much longer. The last time I remember being really consistent about total exercise (cardio, strength, flexibility) is around 7 years ago. 

At the time, I worked very early mornings at a gym near my full-time job and got a free membership to work out, so I started working out. It’s the first time I ever used weights and really worked at it–along with regular cardio. I liked biking. In a few months I looked better and was fitter than I was at 20. The funny thing is, all I focused on was each workout. Little by little I got slimmer and my muscles got more defined until I was in better shape than I ever was. It was almost a surprise since I literally just did what I had to do–one day at a time.

During that time I remember never letting my emotions or anything else get in the way of my workout schedule (within reason, of course). I remember describing it to a friend who had gained a lot of weight and asked how I did it as, “I still bathe and brush my teeth whether I feel like it or not”. Very simply, I just did it! No excuses.

Well, that was then.  The past few years I found neither the desire nor whatever it is that made me “do it, no excuses”. Each day stretched into a week, a month, a year, 2 years…My tiredness and lack of motivation got worse and worse. What snapped me to action? A photo and all my pants feeling tight.  Way too tight.  I couldn’t hide “the roll” anymore. And the opportunity to be a part of this group, this blog, with the support and honest self examination that could make a more balanced, healthier life permanent.

I’m not surprised by the soreness. The RIGHT kind of soreness is, I’m told, those hibernating muscles being told to “wake up and grow so you can burn more calories and lift this poor woman up if she’s falling out a window hanging from her hands”! After all, you never know what adventures you might find yourself in.

I AM surprised by how quickly my endurance is improving. And how “at peace” I feel because I’m keeping a big, important promise to myself: I’M EXERCISING.

Is that cool or what!?!

Earlier this week I must admit I had some challenging moments. I found myself hungrier much of the time, I felt a bit lonely and I wanted to feel comfortable and happy. I also was very curious if I was getting results yet. Alright, let’s see how I handled these feelings…Now even though I advised my fellow teammates to not weigh themselves, what did I do? My pants felts less tight so…I weighed myself! Nothing like “walking the talk”. And lo and behold, the same number popped up on the scale that I started with. Not down, but not up. I knew better, but I did it anyway. And it didn’t make me feel any better. Maybe I should listen more to the experts. I will not weigh myself again for 3 or so weeks per recommendations. 

I fared better with the loneliness. I called Cecelia, one of my teammates. We talked for a few minutes and just knowing she could relate and I could share my concerns with her was a big help. That’s what support looks like, something I wouldn’t have if I were going it alone. There is no question in my mind that my success will be a result of the success and support of the rest of my team, Mary Ellen, Cecilia, Lakita, Anna and Veronica. Somehow our different personalities, backgrounds, ages…it all just works and feels very easy being part of this group. I wonder if the Monkees felt this sense of community? (Am I dating myself?) And all of you who have taken the time to write and share yourselves…your support and relatedness is a huge boost. Thank you and I hope our program is a big help to you too!

The hunger…no, it hasn’t gone away. But I’m making sure I’m eating a really good breakfast and including my 2 snacks. And lots of fiber and water to fill me up. I’d forgotten how an apple can take the edge off between meals. And I learned something interesting from one of the trainers at the gym. When I’m working hard and building muscle I will get hungrier. It’s my metabolism speeding up and I need to fuel it with the best fuel for my body. And regularly (not just one or two meals a day or late at night).

A last thought. The only way I got the support I needed from my teammate and the info about hunger from the trainer, is by being honest about it. And communicating it. We all need each other, particularly when we’re feeling tired, unmotivated, lost, disappointed, uncomfortable…And sometimes by just putting it out there, another person, friend, teammate, expert, may say the perfect something to get us back on track. It certainly worked for me.

Marna 

In 2007, I’m on a quest.  A quest for the best life I can create for myself. With a little help from my family, friends, employer, yoplaitbikini team, team advisors, coordinators and everyone else involved in some way with me right now. And any physical discomfort I’m feeling whether it’s in the thighs or need to budget better is a good indication of how out of whack things are. They say growth only comes from pain. And if that’s the case a lot of growin’s goin’ on!

I had my second workout this morning, and on my way to the gym I really didn’t know how I could get through even one squat without falling over. I could barely get up or down from the sofa. (So THAT’S how you cut down on watching TV!) Well, I did get through it and I’ll be darned, I felt better even immediately afterwards. Tonight, the soreness is much less.

 I encourage you to get a workout partner or team of your own together if you’re having as much trouble as I was getting started on a fitness regimen. I put it off for a couple of years. If you’re the type of person who prefers to do it alone or doesn’t need the accountability of something or someone, that’s great. I was not one of those people. Accountablility is HUGE for me. If you feel the same way, why not try creating a situation that keeps you accountable. It can be blogging with us about your goals and progress. Or set up a team of friends or coworkers to embark on a fitness journey with. May I suggest including someone who’ll push you harder (safely) than you might push yourself. A while back I walked with a friend of mine and she’s a runner and real athlete. I walked faster and worked much harder on our walks than I ever did alone. Also, there’s no way I could work this hard without the pressure of knowing I HAVE to get results. (Or look like a fool to all of you!) 

Another thing I realize I’m doing differently is having lots of dinners at home with very dear friends of ours. Since my husband and I don’t have children, there’s a real sense of family preparing a meal and sitting down to enjoy it together. We have great conversation, it’s more economical and nutritious, since my friends are very health conscious. And my husband is turning into quite a chef! Sure beats sitting in front of the TV and unconsciously eating all evening.

2006 was a very difficult year for my husband and myself (and I know we’re not alone in this).  We both lost our jobs and our dear sister-in-law.  Well, 2007 has started out with a bang! No, all of the resulting challenges aren’t solved. But we both feel much better equipped to deal with things. Getting back in shape is one of the areas I DO have control over and I can’t tell you how uplifting it feels to be in action-mode to achieve it. Start NOW, if you haven’t already and we’ll all look and feel terrific by the time we pull out our summer wardrobe.

This past week really made me realize why I am doing the Best Life program.  I had a trade show in New York and had to pack for 4 days.  I’m in the fashion business and had to look it, plus be comfortable enough to focus on business, looking and feeling good.  Well, the amount of time it took to find things to wear that were comfortable, weren’t too tight and made me look great…Let’s just say that I didn’t get much sleep the night I packed.  This is stupid!  I have plenty of clothes in plenty of sizes and nothing to wear?  And let’s face it, if I’m not comfortable and focusing on potential clients because my pants are riding up where the sun don’t shine…What a waste of time, sleep, money and effort. 

Another motivator for me is if I’m comfortable and not trying to camouflage a body part, I can focus on the person or persons I’m with (or activity I’m doing) 100%. Imagine that–being in the moment and not having to think about “sucking it in” or pulling down my shirt so my muffin top doesn’t show.  

And let’s talk about fashion.  Dressing is a creative form of expressing myself.  It would be fun to dress more like I feel and not be as limited to certain shapes and proportions. That doesn’t mean following trends as much as being more of who I am.  And I really don’t think of myself as fat.  Yep, I’m using the word “fat” rather than being politically correct ’cause that’s what it is. Although I accept myself and others at any size I just don’t feel at home in this current body. It’s not athletic and well-maintained enough for me. It really is about looking and feeling more like myself.  This body reflects my lack of self care.  And I don’t want to be forced to change by a health crisis either. 

These gals are the best group of teammates I could ask for.  They’re funny and enthusiastic and very committed to all of our success.  Although we’re so different, I sometimes feel like I’m hearing or reading my own thoughts when they share theirs.  We’re more alike than different. Have the same insecurities. And we’ll all share the joy when we reach our goals because there’s so much support and joy now, at the very beginning of this 3 month experience.

I’m so thankful for all of you–Lakita, Anna, Mary Ellen, Veronica, Cecilia–and all of you joining us in this Best Life extravaganza.  United we lose–and win at the same time.  Divided, I would just sit in front of the TV, eat, and get fatter.  

Tomorrow night I have my first workout with the group. I hope I don’t have to hire someone to type in my next journal entry or answer your comments because my arms are numb.  Or worse. 

Good luck to all of you.  And a good night. 

I love the accountability and support being part of our group provides. These are all great gals with different stories and motivations to share, yet we have one big common goal. It feels very reassuring to know this support system is already in place ’cause I know I’ll need it. Accountability is very important to me…I tend to put things off if I’m not in the mood. My being accountable to all the women who visit our website will also help keep me focused and honest. My commitment feels very solid and this sense of commitment will ensure that I’m successful in reaching my goals. If my experiences and thoughts can support anyone else in reaching her goals…nothing would be more gratifying. Let’s keep the lines of communication open.

My goal is to create a body and life that projects vitality, ageless beauty and good health. To be more attractive, happier and more alive than ever, regardless of my age. That getting older can mean being healthier and more open to life’s possibilities than ever. My age is a number. Nothing more. 2007 feels like a new beginning.