Two Steps Forward, One Step Back |
Well, it finally happened–the excitement of being on a new program, new routine, going after positive goals, is 2 weeks behind me and I “fell off the wagon”.
Sunday started with a great workout. Hard enough to be really fatiqued, but not so hard it was totally over my head. There are certain behaviors we’re supposed to be practicing this first month: eating a good, well-balanced breakfast, lunch and dinner along with 2 snacks. Not eating at least 2 hours before bedtime. Drinking plenty of water. Ok. No problem. But gosh, I’m really hungry all the time. I know that portions are an issue for me. I’d gotten used to eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it–including all evening long. That won’t work if I want to see results from my hard workouts and move forward towards my “Best Life”.
I’ve been reasonable without being deprived foodwise for the past couple of weeks. Then came Sunday (yesterday). I was really looking forward to having a day to myself after my workout. No plans, just relaxation, idle bliss. The joyous feeling of having a satisflyingly unplanned Sunday became…a nagging, totally unsatisfying struggle of wanting to eat, and eat and eat. It got to the point of no return. I lost touch completely with anything else. I ate. Unreasonably. What I ate is less important than the uncontrollable compulsion to eat, shutting everything else out. I don’t think it’s any accident that I was in front of the TV, without being fully engaged in it, most of the day. Even though there were other things I really needed to do since I had the time. Things that would possibly have kept my mind off chronic feeding and left me with a feeling of accomplishment.
I know this scenario will come up again. I want to learn how to manage it so I can move forward. Discussing the experience with a very wise individual may have uncovered some keys to getting through this craziness:
First of all, he asked, what is the real reason I want to get in shape, improve my eating habits, lose weight, attain my “best life”. THE REAL REASON IS BECAUSE I WANT THAT REAL SENSE OF TRUE ALIVENESS, that joy, that simple sense of everything being ok because it comes from inside. We often look for that feeling outside of ourselves–being in love, having more money, a perfect job. And somehow there is a dichotomy of acheiving internal, real satisfaction by working on the body, looking and feeling better through external means.
And yet, from experience I do know that feeling tired, not sleeping well, struggling with what to wear and thinking too much about food is not living life to the fullest. It’s not feeling the kind of aliveness that makes every moment full and complete.
Fully aware and fully alive. That’s what I want more than anything else. Losing weight just happens to be a vehicle to get there. There’s no question that I feel more confident when my body is in shape. That I’m more alert, more enthusiastic, more positive more playful. More alive. And that has a very profound effect on how well everything else in my life works.
So the question is: how do I keep that sense of aliveness where I can see it, feel it, want it–more than giving in to whatever compulsion comes along at that moment? Feeling guilty doesn’t do it for me. I’m just not the “feeling guilty” type. Can I use visualization-picturing myself feeling great-to stay in touch with my goal. Meditation, or maybe getting in touch with my feelings (what is going on that’s triggering the desire to veer off track?).
I’d like to find out. I’m going to try both of these suggestions. I know that changing my habits and how I look on the outside is going to be an inside job. I just have to remember to practice these technigues at the time of the “attack”.
Do any of you have any suggestions, experiences, successes or stories to relate to this?
January 23rd, 2007 at 12:41 am
When I have a stay-at-home day all to myself. I plan to cook something special for myself. Usually it’s some kind of soup that takes hours to simmer on the stove. I love the way soup makes the house smell. Maybe if you planned yourself a fabulous meal - something that makes you feel like you went to a lot of trouble for yourself. Seafood is a good choice too. Maybe some grilled scallops or lobster if you like seafood. What do you like? I’ll email you a nice recipe. Don’t give up! We’re counting on you! a big hug from Tish
January 23rd, 2007 at 2:22 pm
I wonder how much your state of mind has to do with the state of your health. I am 49, and have never in my life felt worse. I had a late in life baby, and he has battled since diagnosed at 5 with ADHD. His M.D. urged me to home-school him and so far he is thriving. Also I must add he is on no meds whatsoever.Jason and I are both overweight, so my goal is to bring my son along with me on a quest for healthy mind, healthy body.
My husband is currently not a very good means of support at this time. He is 18 years my senior,yet leads a full and active life.Where do I start? When can I start? I’ll be 50 in October, And BY that time I want to be well on my way to a healthier, more energetic way of life.
January 23rd, 2007 at 9:40 pm
Well I joined oa online and that is so help, I joined Tops and that is so help too. And now I have added you to the list and I am hoping that will work out too. the truth is falling off the wwgon is easy for me it has become second nature like a spiral that seems so out of control but that is addition it is not? I would rather eat that be outside it is because I am lonely and afraid and now just too lazy to give it one more try. But that is addiction is it not I wish I knew there were co dependancy for these issues before especially for my sons; I feel guility when I eat anything good or bad because I already know I am not going to stop eating it and then I punish myself again by spending too much money on weight loss clubs I cant’ afford so I can buy stuff otehr than food when the truth is I am a bullimic and compulsive overeater I have always stolen food to cope and when I don’t steal food to cope I am unhappy; I wan tot try special k but I afraid the sugar wil give me an exucse to keep eating; does anyone else understand it is cheaper to buy sweets than steak?
January 23rd, 2007 at 10:24 pm
It was about the middle of March last year when I made my health a priority. I have a gorgeous daughter, adorable son, and I am maddly in love with my husband. Yet I realized I spent more time focusing on their needs and less on mine. I had only gained weight after getting married and after the birth of the kids and even working in a fitness club I failed to get myself in any better of condition. One night I was given a challenge by a fellow member…one can of tuna per meal for 14 days…if I could do that I could do anything. He probably didn’t realize that I thrive on a good challenge! I tried it the very next day, I must say it was not the most arromatic breakfast but I was amazed that I was not hungry before lunch, I restrained myself from snacking with my son (realizing I often did just because he got a snack and I had made myself a habit). I stayed true for 10 of the 14 days, then I realized I could really change myself if I put my mind to it. I began a 1300 calorie diet, anything and everything was allowed but those were the limits. I ate breakfast (old habit was to skip it, feed the kids and snack as seen fit) I began having large meals first thing in the morning, small lunches and even smaller dinners…(old habit working late meant fixing dinner and leaving for work only to return after 10 to feed on whatever was left). If I don’t take a meal for dinner I grab the can of tuna! I must admit that first 10 days were hard but I did it and when I weighed on the 21st day after this “change” took over I had lost 15 pounds and NO EXERCISE. Now I was on a roll. I had managed to get started and with the writing of all the food I ate made it easy to track where I had wrecked my health. I was 234 and had a BMI of 36.6 now I have to say the holidays happened and I have 3 lbs to move before I can pick up where I left off but today I am much happier at 187 with a BMI of 29.3 now the time span is only 10 months, and I have learned to eat, when to eat, how to eat, and to track food that I eat. If I want it I have it but only a portion, when I think of the mistakes I make I plan for my next meal instead of devoring what’s in the pantry, I had a dental appt. recently and my hygenist commented on the job I had been doing (my other secret..I want clean teeth…when I am done eating I just brush it helps me know that I am doing what I can to stay healthy) I don’t always stick with my program but I don’t jump off the ship because of a moment of weakness. I lost my brother recently (he was only 49) just knowing that I could be gone for my dieting choices missing out on the “golden” years with my husband or the chance to live life with my kids. Makes me realize that I was being most selfish after all. By choosing to not focus on my health I was taking away their future with me. So moms take my advise and quit giving up yourself for the children and spouse. Because you actually become the theif that takes you out of their lives when you have to be on the sidelines and not in the game of life where they are. You are worth it! Fix the bad habits with good ones, set small goals, challenge yourself, and LIVE!
January 23rd, 2007 at 10:25 pm
Yet I realized I spent more time focusing on their needs and less on mine. I had only gained weight after getting married and after the birth of the kids and even working in a fitness club I failed to get myself in any better of condition. One night I was given a challenge by a fellow member…one can of tuna per meal for 14 days…if I could do that I could do anything. He probably didn’t realize that I thrive on a good challenge! I tried it the very next day, I must say it was not the most arromatic breakfast but I was amazed that I was not hungry before lunch, I restrained myself from snacking with my son (realizing I often did just because he got a snack and I had made myself a habit). I stayed true for 10 of the 14 days, then I realized I could really change myself if I put my mind to it. I began a 1300 calorie diet, anything and everything was allowed but those were the limits. I ate breakfast (old habit was to skip it, feed the kids and snack as seen fit) I began having large meals first thing in the morning, small lunches and even smaller dinners…(old habit working late meant fixing dinner and leaving for work only to return after 10 to feed on whatever was left). If I don’t take a meal for dinner I grab the can of tuna! I must admit that first 10 days were hard but I did it and when I weighed on the 21st day after this “change” took over I had lost 15 pounds and NO EXERCISE. Now I was on a roll. I had managed to get started and with the writing of all the food I ate made it easy to track where I had wrecked my health. I was 234 and had a BMI of 36.6 now I have to say the holidays happened and I have 3 lbs to move before I can pick up where I left off but today I am much happier at 187 with a BMI of 29.3 now the time span is only 10 months, and I have learned to eat, when to eat, how to eat, and to track food that I eat. If I want it I have it but only a portion, when I think of the mistakes I make I plan for my next meal instead of devoring what’s in the pantry, I had a dental appt. recently and my hygenist commented on the job I had been doing (my other secret..I want clean teeth…when I am done eating I just brush it helps me know that I am doing what I can to stay healthy) I don’t always stick with my program but I don’t jump off the ship because of a moment of weakness. I lost my brother recently (he was only 49) just knowing that I could be gone for my dieting choices missing out on the “golden” years with my husband or the chance to live life with my kids. Makes me realize that I was being most selfish after all. By choosing to not focus on my health I was taking away their future with me. So moms take my advise and quit giving up yourself for the children and spouse. Because you actually become the theif that takes you out of their lives when you have to be on the sidelines and not in the game of life where they are. You are worth it! Fix the bad habits with good ones, set small goals, challenge yourself, and LIVE!
January 24th, 2007 at 12:30 am
Boy, was I amazed when I saw your responses to my last blog. Your honesty and desire to share your experiences and suggestions were very moving.
Tish, your ideas gave me some real “food for thought.” I don’t do that much cooking, barely any these days. I love a good soup. Do you ever use a slow cooker? Seafood too. If you have the time, your favorite, most satisfying soup recipe would be terrific. Thanks again, and I promise never to give up. Although I’m having a rough time right now with portions and food intake, I’m good as gold with the exercise.
Hugs back.
Margaret Dimas, I think state of mind has everything to do with everything. I don’t think you get anywhere coming from fear, self-punishment or negative energy. I also believe in being around people who are positive, loving and nuturing. It sounds like that is the type of mother and person you are. Your son is very lucky to have as wise and giving a parent as you.
If your mate, or anyone else, can’t give you the kind of support you need, try creating it yourself. Friends or co-worker, other relatives, your son or even an outside group with the same interests can be a great source of support. First you must make the decision that you are worth it and the best example to set for your family and child is taking good care of yourself.
If you also want specific details on how to start, in realistic steps so you change your unhealthy habits for good, I really like The Best Life Diet book by Bob Greene. It’s the same program that Oprah follows and it’s about real life which isn’t about being perfect or deprived. I’m glad you wrote in–we can all support each other.
If you start now, you’ll look and feel vibrant and accomplished by your 50th in October. Why wait?
Karolyn, I agree with you—the out of control, excessive behavior sure sounds like addiction. Every time we slip, we tell ourselves we’ve failed. But that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It reminds me of something a very rich, successful person once said: “The richest, most successful people in the world are rich and successful because they keep going. They probably fail more, not less, than the average person because they keep getting up, and trying again. They never give up.”
Let’s figure out what we’re trying to cover up or replace with food, deal with it and start immediately to practice healthy behavior. With enough practice, they’ll become our regular habits. Good luck and get help and support. We all need it.
Mary, your achnowledgement of how wonderful your family is–what a perfect reason to start putting yourself first so you can be there for them. You’ve come a long way, challenged yourself, and made a lot of changes. Thank you for sharing the lessons you’ve learned along the way. It’s been almost a year since you started on your new program and I congratulate you and feel inspired at your success and self realizations. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing.
January 25th, 2007 at 4:51 pm
I have lived in a house with men for 20 years cooking for them and serving myself the same portions they eat. Along with menopause, cortizone and late night eating, I now weigh 200 lbs. I am ashamed of myself. Throw in a family history of Diabetes and I’m on the fast track to disaster. With each increment of weight gain (after quitting smoking 5 times and getting cortizone shots) I’d berate myself, try and fail. The comment I read about being the theif that takes me out of my families life hit home. I can’t go on being there for them if I’m dead. So, now is now, then is then and I have to stop beating myself up. Like Dr. Phil says, this isn’t a dress rehersal, this is the only life you get. So always forward girls! As long as you are aware and active, you will succeed. I’m giving myself 10 months and a goal of 5 pounds a month which gets me back into my size 10 jeans. I’m afraid, but I’m going to do this anyway. My biggest challenge is the people at work who bring hoards of taboo food. I drink a lot of water and try and resist, it’s torture though.
I’ll check back in a month and see where I am. Today is the weigh in day. Wish me luck.
January 31st, 2007 at 11:50 am
Marna,
Hi! I have been reading your journals and want to let you know that I am right there with you! I am a 52 year old diabetic with heart issues. After a heart bypass surgery, I too am working at losing weight and being my best self! I started really working on my best self this past September and since then I have lost 24 pounds! I work out for one hour a day 4-5 days per week. It is a battle, but it’s a battle I will have to continually fight if I want to stick around to get to know any grandchildren.
I also have a hard time when I find myself with too much time on my hands. I have found that taking a walk, going to the mall or a friend’s house helps - I cannot just sit there because I think of food and what there is to eat.
I look forward to seeing more of your entries. Hang in there and feel free to contact me anytime.
Hugs, Janelle